Time to torch some icons
I needed something to brighten my morning, and that very thing had landed in my inbox overnight in the form of a spleen-venting piece from my friend, Jeffrey Harvey, published in The Riff on Medium.com.
He had very cleverly taken it upon himself to grab a bunch of sacred songs and whack them through the butcher’s band saw a few times! Aprons required.
Why? It stemmed from a conversation during an Album of the Month discussion (hosted by me and The Riff), which led to several revelations about various musical indifferences.
Sounds reasonably benign, right?
Wrong.
The statement that kicked off the whole thing was one person’s admission that they could take or leave The Beatles. And … cue much grumbling, looks of shock, and claims of dissent! And much laughter.
Then one person blurted out that Imagine by John Lennon was just dreadful — just picture that person trying to grab those words back as they fell out of their mouth!
However, that bold statement was supported by another who suggested that the song was simply indoctrinating the communist manifesto into youngsters.
Well, it was then gloves off, as another person put forward this gem — the addition of S.Nicks/L.Buckingham into the lineup of Fleetwood Mac ruined a perfectly good blues band, and that Rumours was a disaster!
Now, in my album discussion summary, I was content to gloss over the indifference conversation for myriad reasons. Despite the fact that it was amusing and engaging, it wasn’t directly relevant. I think I referred to it as light-hearted banter.
However, I am thrilled that Jeffrey took it upon himself to bring said conversation to the fore. And his story takes that light-hearted banter and nudges it towards combat force brutality, leaving one to wonder just where his brain-boil trigger might be.
So, he butchered a few sacred cows.
I’m following along closely with a flamethrower to torch anything that moves!!
Bat Out Of Hell — Meat Loaf
Almost everyone on the planet went batty for this song and the album of the same name. I must be one of about six people that does not own a copy — it has apparently sold 43 million copies worldwide and is the highest-selling album in Australia. That’s embarrassing.
The rock opera style, Steinman’s teenage fantasies, the deep desire to write a car crash song, the rocking out Peter Pan theme, the huge sweaty Marvin in his frilly shirt, the whole catastrophe was just too much. Ridiculous from start to finish. And then there’s the rest of the album …
Meat and Jim flogged their album to multiple record execs, racking up rejection after rejection. It’s a shame that there wasn’t just one more …
Go back to the shadow!
Gloria — Laura Branigan
It is often said that you can have too much of a good thing. In the case of this song, it was possible to have diabolically way too much of a really terrible thing. The song got played to death. Every time I turned the radio on in the early 80s, this horrific three minutes and 50 seconds of aural torture played.
With the screech and disturbing tremulous waver, that awful voice was just repulsive. As was the ridiculous, simplistic, cheesy keyboard progression. The song is a cover and co-produced by a clown called Greg Mathieson — he played the keyboards on both versions. He is, therefore, co-responsible for promulgating these crippling sounds.
Get in the bin.
Piano Man — Billy Joel
Rhyming Davy with Navy is probably the cheapest line in any classic song I’ve ever heard. And apparently, such a brilliant lyricist came up with this stroke of genius:
La, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum
I can picture him sitting at the baby grand, with scrap paper on the music shelf, pencil in hand, and the following in a large thought bubble above his head:
Ooh yes, rhyming Davy with navy is just gold! Joel, you’ve surpassed yourself! I bet Dylan will never top this quality material. I need a good lead in to the chorus each time though …
La, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da da-dum
Hmmm, I think I’ll just sing that. After all, “doobie doobie do” worked for Frank. Yep, good enough. And Sanford And Son is about to start. Done!
I’m running out of fuel for the flamethrower. Might have to resort to the drip torch and let the wind take it away.
Don’t Stop Believin’ — Journey
I don’t think I had ever heard this song when I wore a younger man’s clothes. Oh, dammit, you see what a steady diet of AM radio does to a kid!!!
I am a baseball convert. I got hooked in 1992 and embraced it wholly and completely. As I watched more games where possible, I picked up on certain songs that got played on stadium PA systems to fire up crowds.
When the revitalised Australian Baseball League took flight in 2010, we supported our team and went to all games. At those games, the music played over the PA was identical to that played in US games. It’s like the Australian league bought the companion CD that comes with the game, which was a K-Tel product, no doubt!
So, several times a game, this horrible song was played. The thing is, Journey was never a big name in Australia. No, we were too busy hoarding Meat Loaf albums. Someone described Journey as music for white bread, middle America. I’ve no idea, and to this day cannot name another Journey song or album.
Hotel California — The Eagles
Another played-to-death dose of mediocrity. It is long, slow, and tedious, and the lyrics are deliberately ambiguous or obtuse. So many people bang on about how great the song is; however, I just find it dull. Unimaginative. Bland.
And that goes for most of the band’s material I have heard on the airwaves. Someone described them as vanilla adult-oriented rock. I thought that was an insult to vanilla. I quite like vanilla.
As Steven Wright said, “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
There you go. A few iconic songs have been torched! Vapourised. Turned into a huge puff of smoke and a pile of ash. Thanks for reading. Please do leave some comments. By all means, disagree if you wish, but be kind. If you decide to do some torching, please tag me so I can enjoy the warmth!
Anthony Overs
Canberra, Australia.
[This piece was originally published in The Riff, on Medium.com.]
Eclectic Antics 